Some courses in your life change. That's normal. No one's life stays the same during all those years. That would be absolutely boring.
My life also changed a lot. I changed directions a couple of years ago and now I finally am on the right track.
I have to admit the years after secondary school were heavy for me. I wasn't myself and because of these immediate changes, I also lost the person I was before.
Now that I am in a good and better place than before, I gradually am finding myself back.
It's weird to realize you can totally lose the person you are. It sounds ridiculous and still it is reality for some, including myself.
In the six years I was in secondary school I also got the opportunity to enjoy my passion for theatre.
I followed drama and diction lessons at an academy in Ghent.
My eyes opened wide and my world became so much bigger.
Those lessons became my habitat. The place where I could be my true self with no restrictions.
I could show myself like I felt inside. I got the room and space to show my emotions without being ashamed of my thoughts or feelings.
Believe me, it's the greatest feeling in the world: to be accepted for who you are.
In theatre you are multiple persons in one physical body. Those persons already exist in you without you maybe being aware of it.
During these six years of 'training' I discovered corners in myself I didn't even know the existence of.
I could project myself into an abused child, into marginal characters lacking sympathy and love and so much more sorts of people.
It surprised me but it also asked so much energy of me. A good kind of energy. Energy that gave me spirit to breathe.
Now we are 4,5 years later. I study now to become a teacher and have busy times ahead of me.
I learned to be happy again about myself after 2 hard years after secondary school. Too much changed for me and I couldn't follow. Step by step I am back on the level I want to be on.
I can say I am very happy at the moment. I have great friends and a loving life companion.
BUT, some weeks ago I walked into a wall (metaphorically!). I now realise I have been telling myself a lie for almost 5 years.
Yes, I am happy, but I am not genuinely happy.
I realise I miss my biggest passion: playing theatre. Being able to convert myself into others. To lose myself in emotions. It's the greatest thing for me to flee from reality and to forget all the fuzz around me.
What I'm writing here down, is something a lot of my friends don't know because I never tell them.
It's not quite a secret, it's just my sensitive spot, my shortcoming. It makes me vulnerable.
I know at the moment I do not have the time and energy to find a spot for 'playing theatre' in my planning. It's also not that easy because I already am an adult. I would have to join a company and for that I unfortunately don't have the time.
But I know, when my life becomes more stable in some time, I will make time. Time for my soul passion. For my habitat.
I now know I need this in my life by the awareness I underneath all around me, that I missed playing for all those years.
Somehow I am glad I wrote this down and at the same time I was afraid. I really put my heart on paper here and that's scary, especially when you know a lot of people will read this, including strangers.
But I am proud of myself and you should also be proud of yourself.
Embrace your passions, even the ones you forgot or put into a box under your bed.
They are worth living for.
Lots of love,
MJ
PS: the pictures you see in this blogpost are taken on my final exam of theatre acedemy. I played a marginal 16-year old who was abandoned by her family. The only person she still has, is her best friend. It was a theatre piece about friendship and the lack of love. We graduated with high distinction.