Damn, I am 24 years old. What the actual fuzz?!
My birthday is already two weeks ago but only today I realised this for the very first time: I am 24.
It's a scarry feeling, man! Realising you're no longer that little kiddo playing in a fantasy world or that teenager crushing over some random guy, but especially: you're no longer an adolescent; you are an adult now.
Being an adult in mid-twenties means having quite some responsibilities you have to decide on your own. Mummy and Daddy will no longer hold your hand. You have to take life in your own hands.
I woke up this morning with the panicky thought of 'Holy Moly, where did all this time go?! What have I been doing these past 24 years?!'
I realised I have never FULLY lived my life, or certainly not the past 6 years.
I always went with the flow, had some heavy bumps on the road and slowly crept out of a deep depth.
And eventually I arrived at the station where I am today. But how I really got here is a little blur.
It's not that I don't like to be 24. Not at all.
I just don't feel ready for it.
My mind and soul are stuck in the past. And I also don't feel or look 24 at all. It's like I am lying to the world telling them I am 24. I see them all laughing 'You, 24?! Yeah right.' It's like, 'Erm, Time, not to offend you or anything, but are you sure? Like, are you absolutely sure I really am 24 now? You did not maybe make a tiny mistake?'
Haha, damn, I feel so weird. It's the first time ever I really feel uncomfortable with my age. What's wrong with me?!
Except for feeling as the most awkward 24 year old being out there, there also have been some positive changes since I have become 20+4:
For the first time ever I feel more confident. People are starting to take me more seriously (I said, 'starting', because the first impression of seeing me, 1m60 and a babyface, is not quite adultlike).
I have cut my long hair and feel as if I am looking more grown up and wise. (It's all in my head, so let me believe my own fantasies haha)
I have lived for two weeks with my boyfriend and we didn't quarrel or fight about ANYthing. We matched so perfectly and agreed on mostly everything. It was the most peaceful period I have experienced in a long time. So yeah, I quite think I am finally ready to move out and leave the pops and moms to spread my wings. And hopefully my BF will catch me without letting me fall, down, on my (baby)face. 'cause that will freaking hurt.
I really feel the mommyfeels coming up. Really, no kidding over here. Last year I mostly was like 'Ooooh, babies are so cuuuuute. *Holding baby* Holy shizzle, what am I supposed to do now?! Take it back take it back!!.' And now, I look at babies and think 'Damn, I want to take care of a little human that my boyfriend and I made.' Weird shift, isn't it? But let's start with a cat. I know I won't mess up a cat.
Everyone around me starts working or looking for jobs and I am still sitting here: 'Yeah, so I am still studying over here.' But the more I talk about my interests and passions with like 'real' grown ups, I tend to feel some tickling itchy feeling inside me, an eenieweenie urge to start working myself and helping the world around me.
Wow, strange, isn't it, how just getting a bit older can change your entire view on life. I know it's the normal flow of life, but it's scarry to feel you are on the edge of a big change coming up. The change of finally standing on your own feet and figuring things out for yourself.
Well, life, I am ready for you. I hope you feel the same way. See you quite soon, my friend.
And dear you, reading this revelation, how have you been? How do you feel about life?
Talk to you laters!
Lots of love,
MJ